Gothic Auntie

Despite the inherent romance of the genre it’s slim pickings when trying to find a husband who won’t murder you or lock you in an attic in the world of gothic literature. Here’s a selection of gothic menfolk, should you find yourself trapped in some Jasper Fford-ian literary nightmare, ranked by husband potential.

8. Heathcliff

Quintessentially the worst husband in gothic literature. Intentionally so. Heathcliff aspired to break new ground in the field of being a terrible husband and succeeded even beyond his own wildest dreams. While he’d likely have less motivation to persecute other wives the way he did poor Isabella he’s still a violent misanthrope who vents his anger on everyone around him. Unless you’re Cathy, and you’re not Cathy, being married to Heathcliff would be a nightmare.

7. Rochester

Even if you believe Rochester’s self pitying version of why there’s a wife locked in his attack — which I don’t — he still tried to trick a vulnerable young woman into believing she was married to him because he was lonely, horny, and entitled. Not to mention all the gaslighting and manipulating he did along the way. The only reason he doesn’t score worse than Heathcliff is his typical rich boy lack of follow through; at least Heathcliff is dedicated and committed in his evil doing instead of wibbling out at the last minute.

6. Dracula

Obviously Dracula was a very bad man. But as far as gothic husbands go you could do a lot worse. Sure, you’ll have to share him with a harem (potentially a positive). Sure, he’s a tyrannical monster who drinks the blood of children. But at least he’s upfront about his monstrosity, and as long as you leave him alone and don’t mess with his plans he’ll shower you in jewels and all the babies you can eat.

5. Erik (The Phantom)

Similar to Dracula, Erik is a bad, bad man. Truly. But, if you actively chose to marry him (maybe you’re into all that dark romance stuff, we don’t judge) because you wanted to be on the receiving end of his unhinged obsession you’d probably have a great time. Yes, he’s controlling, manipulative, diabolical, and also a Jigsaw style serial killer, but with all that he’d treat you like a queen. Everything you’ve ever wanted, fine jewelry, starring roles, the bodies of your enemies, would be laid at your feet, still warm and bloody. Plus there’s no way he isn’t diabolical in other, much more fun ways too. You might not survive but that’s just how it rolls sometimes.

4. Dr. Jekyll

A workaholic with strange, unmentionable vices, Dr. Jekyll is most likely to forget you exist, which is probably the best outcome really when it comes to the average gothic marriage. As long as you have some cash squirrelled away and manage to stay out of the way of Mr. Hyde when he’s out and about there’s a very reasonable chance that you will survive this and can go on to have a quiet life elsewhere.

3. Viktor Frankenstein

The problem with Viktor is his lackadaisical approach to both scientific ethics and fatherhood. If you can get that under control, either by convincing him to appropriately nurture his monstrous offspring, or maybe avoid playing God in the first place, things should be fine. He’s got a castle and a tendency towards Romantic devotion so if you can avoid being killed by his hubris (big if) there’s a solid future for you there.

2. Dorian Gray

Weirdly I think Dorian could be a pretty good husband as long as you understood what type of marriage it was going to be going in. Dorian was never going to be faithful, even if you got him early enough he was still capable of falling in love, but that was about what you’d expect from a society marriage. Approaching your union from a business partners and friends perspective, as a lot of happily married Victorian aristocrats did, would give you a lot of money and time to spend on whatever you wanted; just as long as you didn’t embarrass him (aka get caught). Host good parties, provide a decent alibi when asked for one, and Dorian could make an excellent platonic life partner. Just don’t think too hard about his personal life.

1. Jonathan Harker

Obviously the best husband in literature. Certified gothic heroine Jonathan Harker was willing to fight god and walk backwards into hell for Mina, all while respecting her intellect, personhood, and occasional shirking of Victorian gender norms in a surprisingly modern way. If Dracula was written today the author would be slammed for his being “anachronistically modern” and probably “woke dei nonsense”, and yet there he is, malewifing it up with implacable devotion and a giant knife.

He’s not going to marry anyone but Mina though. Sorry. You’re going to have to go with somebody else off the list.

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